The Devil’s Playthings

I understand the old saying about idle hands. With our vacation cancelled, Younger and Missus on quarantine from school and work, and the rest of the company on leave, I’ve been less than productive. I have no drive to do anything, really.

As much as I’d like to throw a pity party for myself for missing out on the vacation of a lifetime, I can’t stomach it. I’m not some pining teenager feeling sorry for myself, but at the same time I find my lack of ambition disturbing. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do anything really, other than binge on video games and Netflix, beer and cannabis. I’m not happy.

I had an insight while I was falling asleep last night. My birthday is in two weeks, and I usually get a bit moody around that time. When I had explained it to Missus, or tried to justify it, rather, I had told her it was something to do with my contemplation of my own mortality. I don’t think it’s that. I think it’s the fact that I don’t have any friends. I have had a couple friends whose birthdays were a couple days on either side of mine. One of them, Trevor, was a huge help to me when I was a young man, he was a Jamaican man who let me move in with him and mentored me when I was in my late teens. He was a big influence on me, and helped me out growing up. Unfortunately, he got involved in a nightclub shooting and was deported from the country a decade or two ago, and I’ve fallen out of touch with him and his family.

My other friend I won’t say much about, other than he’s found sobriety and most of our relationship was about doing the opposite. We don’t have much in common anymore and I don’t think we find each other’s company appealing given my proclivities. We’ve tried to rebase our relationship around fitness, but it’s not worked very well.

I was hoping that I’d be able to make the best out of our extended staycation, but the weather hasn’t cooperated. It rained all day yesterday, today is drizzly as well, but tomorrow might clear up and present an opportunity to go on a biking trip with the fam. Or maybe we can go to an amusement park. I’ve got climbing shoes coming tonight, so I’d like to go do that as well, preferably by myself one time before I take the girls.

i just can’t imagine what life is going to be like next week when work starts back up. I’m not excited about it at all, and that is very disheartening for me. I don’t even know what I want though, nothing seems to be bringing me joy, and I just don’t know how much of that is in my head.

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