Anxiety

Well I’m still not one hundred percent today, but I felt well enough to do a workout, and actually managed to do some work today. The girls fought over the piano, of all things, and Younger got sent home from the neighbors for kissing her best friend on the lips.

I managed to eek out some reps today, after modifying my usual routine a bit. Instead of just doing leg day, I made it a push day, alternating between pushups, sumo squats, shoulder presses, hip thrusts, and butterfly presses. I got a little winded, so I’m glad I didn’t try running, as I’m sure I would have killed myself. I’m still not sure whether I’ll attempt it tomorrow, or just go to the pull series of sets.

Missus went in to the office today, and I continued with our new morning routine, giving up my early morning deep work session while the kids watch television so that I could supervise them and help them get some chores done. It was taxing, to say the least. Younger was pretty good about it, and despite waking up in a very cherry mood and fair spirits when she woke up, Elder did her best to try and test me again this morning. It’s so draining.

While I was helping Younger with her laundry, and instead of cleaning her room, Elder decided to play piano, which was fine. When I was done with Younger, she wanted to play piano, but Elder was composing something, and wanted me to transcribe her composition for her. I use the term lightly, as it was just something she had banged out on the keys a time or two, and couldn’t even play it well enough for me to figure out what she was doing, let alone write it down. So I got out my phone to record what she had come up with, telling her now is not the time, and she proceeded to argue with me about it for several minutes. I had to dismiss Younger to go play so that Elder and I could stare at each other for several minutes in another battle of wills. She can make the stinkiest face. She pouted at me with a puffy, gnomish face, dark bags under her eyes. It was like the worst version of me staring back in the mirror, and made me so sad. There was literally no joy in her expression, and it made me wonder whether I was poisoning her with my hermitage.

I’m going to have to set that aside for the moment, as I’ve been thinking a lot about the solitude that I’ve been living the last few months. I literally have no social life outside of the house. I can’t even say that I have friends anymore, and my interactions outside the family are extremely limited. Even my social media isn’t quite that social anymore, if it ever was, as I’m not doing much on the engagement side of things. I’m not sure what’s going on. It’s as if now that I’m making enough money to not work, that I don’t need to try at anything else. There’s a lot to unwrap here, I’m sure.

Later this afternoon, after I’d decided that Elder needed to go out and play — she’s been mirroring my lack of social interactions as well — Younger came in at the same time, saying that she couldn’t play at the neighbors house ever again. I asked what had happened, and she told me that she had kissed her friend on the mouth. My first question was whether it was mouth open, or mouth closed, and she responded but puckering her lips in a fish face like she was expecting a goodnight kiss. I almost laughed. Our neighbors, as you may know, are conservative Christians, and I was really not trying to have a conversation with them about what had happened. I remember one comment that D. had made in our backyard last summer in response to some innocent comment by one of the kids: boys marry girls and girls marry boys. Well, I thought, and said, my girls can marry whomever they want. So I really wasn’t trying to have an awkward text message or front door visit with them to find out what happened. I told Missus when she got home and she told me to let it cool down. A few hours later, as I was putting her to bed, I asked Younger what happened, and it seems like they were playing, and the older brother spied them kissing and told their dad, who said it was inappropriate and sent her home.

I really got other things to worry about than this, my main concern is that Younger literally has no other friends that this girl, and I’m going to have a real problem if he decides that they can’t play together because of this. My brain has already been feeding my anxiety about this, and I’m just going to let it sleep for tonight.

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