Month: August 2021

Today would have been a much better day if I hadn’t ruined it by staying up till twelve-thirty last night watching Disenchantment, but it was still a good day. Missus had to get up early to go into the office, and the girls got up early to do their chores, so I was actually the last one out of bed — with a bit of a hangover — well before eight. While I was meditating on the back deck I realized that I really needed to do some yard work, so I made the girls come outside to suffer in solidarity with me while I sweat my ass off mowing and edging the yard. Two showers before noon for me.

I had to take Missus for a drive this afternoon to a conference. I didn’t want to be left without a car, so I figured it was worth the thirty minute drive to take her to the hotel. They had an outdoor pool, so we figured the girls would enjoy a bit of time to relax. Afterward, we went out for dinner and ran up the room tab on her per diem.

Younger has been very sensitive about being without her mother, and is having her usual issue going to bed on her own. Right now she’s drawing pictures in the dining room adjacent to the couch where I write these entries. Neither child wants to go to bed right now, which I assume is the natural result of them taking naps on the ride back. Younger is so high-maintenance at bedtime. I’m sorry that I seem to be the only one pushing her to go to bed without an adult laying next to her, but she’s five and I want my bed back. Missus seems to have given up on even trying, and it’s so tiring. I slept in the little bed last night as Missus fell asleep before either of the girls and Younger just crawled in there later. I wasn’t trying to deal with it.

Getting the yard work done was about the only productive thing I accomplished today. Of course keeping these children alive for another day is a feat in itself.

I would say that today was a typical day in the household today, but it wasn’t. None of the kids had any meltdowns nor did I lose my temper. Small miracles, I guess. In fact, the girls actually did all their chores rather early today, and were in decent moods for most of it. I’m not sure what I did differently that I could do to make sure that it happens again tomorrow.

Maybe it was the drugs.

I took a dose of Nyquil last night before bed. My cough was just too much, and I figured it would squelch it long enough for me to get me through the night. Although I really hate taking it because of the way I feel the day after. And today was no different. I didn’t wake up with a cough or any symptoms of my two-week ailment, but my head was clouded and it took me a long time to wake up. But it does the trick. I’m feeling quite well right now, although I’m not sure I can manage a workout tomorrow since I pulled a muscle on my

Star Atlas released their tokenomics paper today, so I spent some time looking at that as an alternative to doing real work this morning. There was some discussion about this IEO, it seems like complete garbage to me but we’ll try to game it as best we can. I’m not sure we’re going to spend much time on it, but I’ll have $50k to work on it. Also, I finally secured the last poster that I need for my set, although there are some issues that I need to figure out before the loot drop a week from now.

Funding has been a bit sporadic today, I’m still trending better than last week, but it seems like it’s been in spurts. I might just be checking it too often.

I filled out Younger’s paperwork for her to start kindergarten. Less than three weeks and I’ll be all alone here in this house. It’s going to be crazy.

My days have given way to The Cough. I woke up this morning thinking that I was over it, but all day it’s there. I can’t bring myself to do much, other than wait it out. I’ve quaffed a whole bottle of kids’ expectorant, but it hasn’t been doing the trick. I finally took an adult-size dose just now and hopefully it can squash it. Maybe tomorrow it’ll be gone, otherwise I’ll have to write my doctor and make sure I don’t have a case of walking pneumonia or something. Missus is going out of town again in a couple days, and I don’t want to be left with the kids with this hacking cough.

On top of that, next week is supposed to be our vacation. Missus’s dad got a beach house again this year, a real nice one, right on the beach. I don’t want to still be coughing the whole time we’re down there. I’m so over this.

I seem to be making a habit over not getting work done. Since I’m making the girls do their chores in the morning now, that pretty much destroys my AM productivity, and I am just feeling too sorry for myself to get anything done in the PM. Still, I’m managing to get the kids fed and dinner on the table every night. And spending time the kids to help them with their education.

Elder’s experiment with Galileo is coming to an end, and it feels a bit of a dissapointment. She’s not enthusiastic about it, and I’m losing my motivation to keep her on it. I just don’t know.

I feel the cold medicine kicking in now, starting to cloud my brain, so I’ll wrap things up after I mention the Star Atlas IEO that is going on later this month. It could have been done so much better. As it stands, I have no idea how we’re going to do. All I know is that I need to put in a transfer request to the DAO so that I can start moving funds over to Solana. Fifty thousand dollars. I’ve got to put the funding request in now since it’s going to take nine days to complete the voting period. We need to wrap up work on the multisig first. That takes priority.

Today was fairly typical, save for a few points. One, I managed to get in a workout, my second since I got hit by this not-COVID, going on my second week. Second, I had to kit sit a ten year old boy for one of Missus’s union sisters while they went to another event, and I can’t help wondering why everyone’s kids are better behaved that mine.

Today wasn’t too bad. I wasn’t sure which kid was going to be Grumplestiltskin today — surprise, the answer is both of them, but it actually wasn’t that bad. They actually did a lot of work this morning and surprised me overall. They just had some minor quibbles with a few chores, but nothing like what we had these last few days. The worst was Younger’s ridiculous insistence that she was hungry in spite of the fact that she had already had food not less than five minutes before, and also had a plate on the table. She was upset because I asked her to put the frozen waffles back in the freezer, which she refused to do. It was downhill from there for the next half hour.

Still, that was still better than Elder’s two hour drama the day before. I’m just glad we didn’t have to relive that. The two of them then spent the next ninety minutes upstairs organizing or something, which was rather pleasant for me. I managed to get a workout in, although a bit later than I wanted. I actually let them watch TV this morning while I did some Rust work.

Moving on, I do feel like there’s something to be said about the collapse of the American-backed Afghanistan government. I don’t have anything to say. The twentieth anniversary of 9/11 is coming up, and I really don’t have anything productive to say about it. A younger me would probably have railed about the injustices about it and so on, but I’m so done with politics that I just don’t care. Sure, the video of people clamoring up a C30 cargo plane as it taxied down the runway was bad enough, but it’s got nothing to do with me so I’ll not waste the calories fretting over it. Climate disaster is enough calamity for me, thank you very much.

The girls are going back to school in three weeks, and I’ve got about nine months left of cash before I need to go back to work. I doubt I’ll last that long, though. I need something to do. While doubt my ambition to create my own startup, I also don’t think I can find a company that I’d actually be able to stomach working for. It’s just not in me anymore. I’ve put all my faith in Bitcoin, and to paraphrase someone else, I’m ride or die at this point: its death, or mine.

It’s Sunday, the day that I manage my Perpetual positions. This week was the best yet, about $1400 in funding off of a nominal position size that equaled $145,000 after I compounded it. My total margin equaled $60,000, plus almost $25,000 in profit. Not a bad way to make a living. The most important metric, however, is that the month trailing surpassed my former salary. Now to see if things keep up.

I finally got around to looking up the day that the girls will be going back to school. It’s at lot closer than I thought, the day after Labor Day, three weeks from now. That changes things quite a bit. Since it’s pretty certain that Elder will be returning to public school for another year, and Younger will be starting Kindergarten, this means I’ll be staying at home by myself. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

It’s pretty apparent to me that I’ve got bronchitis. Since it’s not COVID and my cold is over, there’s not much I can really do about it except take an expectorant. I’ve been pretty lazy the last two weeks, exercising only one time. Even going to the park with the kids and running around with them leaves me winded. I haven’t been able to bring myself to try to go for a run, which is a shame, since I was just up to three miles last time I did. I really need to get back in my routine.

Today my dad came over for breakfast. Missus was still out on her union training. Elder fought with me about breakfast, then they went to church. I played Solasta while they were gone. Missus got home after they got back, and I lazed around the house. We ordered sushi for dinner, then I took Younger out to the park for a bit, then came back and watched cartoons. I’ve been completely useless, and haven’t worked on a house project all week. I guess cleaning and cooking is enough for me right now, but there’s so much that needs to be done.

I’ve fallen off most of my good habits the last two weeks. It’s going to take some work to establish the new ones again.

I was punished for my sins today, namely letting Elder stay up too late last night. I let the girls watch TV this morning before we did chores, and I told them not to give me a hard time when I said it was time to work, and yet Elder decided to spend the following two hours throwing a fit. I threw a bit of a fit myself.

I feel like such an asshole, yelling at my kid for not falling in line, but past a certain point I just can’t back down. I got so mad and clapped my hands together so hard that I had to put them on ice; I’m sure I bruised one of my knuckles. Of course, three hours after that we were right as rain and having a grand old time.

I took the girls to Missus’s sister’s this afternoon. We had to get out of the house and with the weather still in the mid-nineties, the pool was the best option. Plus her back yard is shaded in the afternoon, so we weren’t even in the sun. It was nice, then we got rained out. The girls had hot dogs, the adults had wings. Driving home was a torrential downpour.

I spent the rest of my day playing Solaster: Crown of the Magister. It’s really one of the best Dungeons and Dragons games that I’ve played, and I’m really getting into it. My party is already up to level six, and I’ve been spending way to much time playing it, probably at least four hours a day the past week or so. I’ve been playing piano a lot as well, as have the girls. Elder is still working her way through the rookie boot camp on Playground Sessions, and Younger decided that she wanted to do it as well, so I’ve been mixing it up for her with that and another piano training program. It’s a bit of sibling rivalry.

In fact, at the pool today, Elder finally figured out how to do some proper swimming, and Younger saw her and decided to figure it out for herself as well. Usually the two of them are two scared to put their faces underwater, but now all of a sudden they’re swimming. It’s like Elder broke the four minute mile and now Younger is swimming across the deep end and jumping off the diving board, doing cannonballs in her swimming float.

Days like today make me wonder whether both my children can ever be good on the same days. It seems that one of them always has to take up the mantle of cursed child for the day and refuse to do anything I tell them. Today, Elder was on good behavior and Younger was the one that refused to follow basic instructions and throw tantrums. We still managed to end the day on a good note.

Missus went on her out of town trip for her union, which is probably why Younger was sensitive. We had debated back and forth as to whether we were going to go with her, but in the end decided against it. The weather has been too hot for me to go wandering around our state capitol with the kids. Plus the hotel pool is closed because of COVID, so we decided to stick it out here for the weekend. I was not looking forward to it since Missus called dibs on our car, but thankfully I was able to borrow her mother’s car, as she is unable to drive due to an illness — not thankfully. So we picked up the vehicle after lunch and went back to the house.

I didn’t do a great job of preparing food for the weekend, so I told the girls that we would have popcorn movie night, but first I would bring them to the dollar store for them to spend allowance money on some candy and toys. Plus daddy needed some alcohol. On the way there, since I had neglected to put in an order for groceries, I decided to change the plan and do a bit of grocery shopping instead. Mistake. It’s usually difficult enough taking one of the kids, but the two of them together is just a huge pain in the ass. They both want to hang on the cart, or if I’m not actively pushing it somewhere they want to push it — usually into other people or things. Or they’re touching everything. I noticed some lady giving me the eye as it was apparent I had no control over the two of them. Younger almost tipped the entire cart over as I was paying in the checkout line and that was it. We were going home. This escalation went about as well as expected, but I eventually got her calmed down after I told her we would go back to the dollar store after I put the groceries away. There was no way I was leaving two hundred dollars of cold groceries in a car trunk during hundred degree weather while we spent fifteen minutes in another store. It was the right call.

The second trip out was mostly uneventful. The girls have a tendency to dawdle forever over their choices. I told them they could pick two candies each, but the decision was excruciatingly slow as they went through a dozen choices. When they got back Younger decided she liked Elder’s toys better, and decided to be naughty about it. I can’t win.

The last trip of the day was after dinner, about an hour before sunset. I knew the girls needed some physical activity. I hadn’t taken them to the park in weeks, and it got cool enough once the sun was low that I could make them spend some time outdoors. So we went to the park. Elder wasted no time making friends and running off on her own, but Younger is more shy and wound up coming back to me to push her on the swing and merry-go-round. We stayed out as late as we could, until the sun set and we saw the police come to shut things down. Then, for some inexplicable reason, Younger decided to throw another fit, shutting the door in her sister’s face getting out of the car and then refused to take any of her things out of the car and get cleaned up.

In the end, she wound up falling asleep on me as we laid on the couch. I managed to get them both bathed, and I popped three bags of popcorn while we watched the new Masters of the Universe. By the time the credits rolled on the last episode she was fast asleep.

Another day in the war of attrition. Skirmishes began early this morning, almost as soon as Elder awoke. I had told her last night before she went to bed that she could get a start on her day by straightening up her room and bathroom, and save herself some work in the morning. She had refused then, and had doubled down by telling me that her room was clean and continuing to insist that it was in spite of clear evidence to the contrary.

It was excruciating. I let myself lose my temper and raised my voice at her, despite the fact that my throat was still sore. I was livid. The entire episode lasted well over an hour, of which I spent most of the time sitting in the hallway staring at her while she went through a variety of responses. Her room was clean, despite there being pillows and trash on the floor. A jewelry box of Pokemon cards belonged on the floor, despite the fact that she hadn’t played with them in weeks. A basket of hand towels that I had given her days before to fold, still sitting in front of her dresser. Et cetera, et cetera.

I felt like the shittiest parent the whole time. She wailed, she hated me, she yelled at me to go away, she cried for her mother. This would cost thousands in future therapy sessions, I told myself. I was genuinely worried that someone walking by the house had heard me screaming and my brain began to role play possible interactions with the authorities.

I am not one for de-escalation, as my wife is, and I worried that my tactics put her in a state that might cause her long term psychological damage. It can’t possibly be that bad though, comparatively speaking. Younger for her part, bless her soul, is amazing. After things got bad I found her hiding under a desk, but I called her out and told her she had nothing to worry about. One of Elder’s complaints is that I don’t treat the two of them fairly, but she’s in no position to relate to how she was treated when she was five. And since she was going off and preventing me from properly managing Younger’s attention, I gave her candy and let her watch her tablet in her room to further punish Elder. It set her off, but I didn’t know what else to do with the two of them at the time.

Things eventually settled down after I sent Younger off to play at the neighbors. Elder acted like one possesed, screaming and scratching herself, before finally telling me she was starving and curling up into something resembling catatonia. I had already cleaned her room during the episode, and once she was finally quiet I made sure she understood that I expected obedience from her and that I was no longer going to tolerate the type of disrespect and defiance that she had been accustomed to the past few weeks. I was done with it.

The rest of the day was actually quite pleasant. We managed to get by without any further episodes, save for a few minutes by Younger when she came back and it was time for dad school. They got their treats and their shows and games, and managed to actually have some fun. She might have pushed back a bit when I asked her to do things, but no further meltdowns or unacceptable behavior.

Hopefully tomorrow will be smoother. Now that the kids understand that I expect their rooms and the common areas to be in a particular state, it should make things a bit more tenable around here. Lately it’s seemed like we’ve had two Tasmanian devils tearing up the place, but I won’t have it anymore. Missus is going out of town tomorrow, and after being sick last weekend and seeing the house fall into filth, I won’t have it.

Another day, another two hundred dollars in Perp funding. The week is still trending to fifteen hundred dollars. It’s so nuts I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve made it. It sure feels like it. Nothing really matters to me right now other than family. Sure, I’m taking care of the house and still trying to do some coding projects, but I don’t really have any ambition or drive to do much else. It’s weird, I’ll admit. I’m still playing piano and video games, but it’s like my life is on permanent vacation now, and I’m totally cool with it. It’s only been two full months, and I don’t feel like I’m ever going to want to go back. We’ll see how long it lasts.

The house is becoming a controlled environment. The kids are a wildcard, of course, but I’m making some progress housetraining them, if you will. It’s not smooth sailing, but I’m comfortable enough with it for now. Next month, when school starts back up, will be a bit of a shock, I’m sure. First off I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself when I’ll have even less accountability than I do now, and they’ll be dragging all the pressures of the outside world back home with them. I remember what things were like when I was driving to work and dropping them off at daycare; everything was rushed to the clock, and stressful. Hopefully we won’t bring that back.

Missus continues to be stressed out with work. Her troubles are so far removed from what I have to deal with that I don’t know what to tell her. Just to hold on for another year or two and she’ll be in the same position as I. I’m not sure she’d know what to do with herself. We’ll have to wait and see.

The pace of bitcoin adoption seems to be accelerating. This whole deal with the infrastructure bill seems to have woken people up. And every day, more and more bullish news. Coinbase’s user numbers up a thousand percent, AMC will start taking bitcoin for tickets and concessions. It’s happening. And I can’t make up my mind whether my biggest fear is leveraging up too much, or too little.

I’m not being greedy, I don’t think. Making passive income is the dream, and part of me is sceptical that it’ll last, and another part of me is worried that it will last and will be bigger than I can imagine. I think I can handle it. I’m just worried what my motivation will be like when it happens.

I think that’s why I’ve been so lost the last couple days. What’s going to motivate me when my basic needs are covered? I don’t need a bullshit job to keep a roof over my head, keep the kids fed or take care of expenses. Granted, I’m just catching up to what was a shitty salary to begin with, but it’s still a great deal better than what most of the population is making. And it’s nowhere near what I would be making if I was a properly motivated programmer at a big firm. I can honestly say that I have no desire whatsoever to ever go back to that.

At least for the next six weeks or so.

Well I’m still not one hundred percent today, but I felt well enough to do a workout, and actually managed to do some work today. The girls fought over the piano, of all things, and Younger got sent home from the neighbors for kissing her best friend on the lips.

I managed to eek out some reps today, after modifying my usual routine a bit. Instead of just doing leg day, I made it a push day, alternating between pushups, sumo squats, shoulder presses, hip thrusts, and butterfly presses. I got a little winded, so I’m glad I didn’t try running, as I’m sure I would have killed myself. I’m still not sure whether I’ll attempt it tomorrow, or just go to the pull series of sets.

Missus went in to the office today, and I continued with our new morning routine, giving up my early morning deep work session while the kids watch television so that I could supervise them and help them get some chores done. It was taxing, to say the least. Younger was pretty good about it, and despite waking up in a very cherry mood and fair spirits when she woke up, Elder did her best to try and test me again this morning. It’s so draining.

While I was helping Younger with her laundry, and instead of cleaning her room, Elder decided to play piano, which was fine. When I was done with Younger, she wanted to play piano, but Elder was composing something, and wanted me to transcribe her composition for her. I use the term lightly, as it was just something she had banged out on the keys a time or two, and couldn’t even play it well enough for me to figure out what she was doing, let alone write it down. So I got out my phone to record what she had come up with, telling her now is not the time, and she proceeded to argue with me about it for several minutes. I had to dismiss Younger to go play so that Elder and I could stare at each other for several minutes in another battle of wills. She can make the stinkiest face. She pouted at me with a puffy, gnomish face, dark bags under her eyes. It was like the worst version of me staring back in the mirror, and made me so sad. There was literally no joy in her expression, and it made me wonder whether I was poisoning her with my hermitage.

I’m going to have to set that aside for the moment, as I’ve been thinking a lot about the solitude that I’ve been living the last few months. I literally have no social life outside of the house. I can’t even say that I have friends anymore, and my interactions outside the family are extremely limited. Even my social media isn’t quite that social anymore, if it ever was, as I’m not doing much on the engagement side of things. I’m not sure what’s going on. It’s as if now that I’m making enough money to not work, that I don’t need to try at anything else. There’s a lot to unwrap here, I’m sure.

Later this afternoon, after I’d decided that Elder needed to go out and play — she’s been mirroring my lack of social interactions as well — Younger came in at the same time, saying that she couldn’t play at the neighbors house ever again. I asked what had happened, and she told me that she had kissed her friend on the mouth. My first question was whether it was mouth open, or mouth closed, and she responded but puckering her lips in a fish face like she was expecting a goodnight kiss. I almost laughed. Our neighbors, as you may know, are conservative Christians, and I was really not trying to have a conversation with them about what had happened. I remember one comment that D. had made in our backyard last summer in response to some innocent comment by one of the kids: boys marry girls and girls marry boys. Well, I thought, and said, my girls can marry whomever they want. So I really wasn’t trying to have an awkward text message or front door visit with them to find out what happened. I told Missus when she got home and she told me to let it cool down. A few hours later, as I was putting her to bed, I asked Younger what happened, and it seems like they were playing, and the older brother spied them kissing and told their dad, who said it was inappropriate and sent her home.

I really got other things to worry about than this, my main concern is that Younger literally has no other friends that this girl, and I’m going to have a real problem if he decides that they can’t play together because of this. My brain has already been feeding my anxiety about this, and I’m just going to let it sleep for tonight.